I thought the unknown was scary. And it is. But the known is pretty intimidating as well. Somehow I thought getting that letter saying "You're in! Congrats!" from UAB would solve my problems. I kept saying "Well, once I know one way or the other I'll feel better." Uh, no. I don't. Now a million questions are running through my mind. Am I selling myself short by staying in Alabama and just going to by backup plan school? Am I choosing the right course of study? And most importantly....why am I REALLY going to school? Is it because I want to or because I think I SHOULD. There's that word, the one that determines what people everywhere do with their lives. We are stuck in a cycle of trying to find fulfillment in doing what we should do. Those things will make us happy and successful, we think. But will they really fulfill us? What is underneath all the shoulds in your life? What are the wants?
Some people do find happiness in education.
Some people find happiness in a job they love, and they have no need to keep going to school. They already have what they want.
Some people find happiness in starting a family. The love they get from husbands, kids, being a mom is what they need to feel fulfilled.
I am almost envious of people who seem so confident in what they want, whatever it is, because I don't really know right now what is going to make me happy.
I know I'll find it, but I hope I don't get too lost in searching.
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I'm envious of those people too. I don't feel confident in what I want. I wonder if I'm making the wrong decision, but I hope that as long as I'm heading into a direction that will make me happy, at least somewhat, somewhere along the way, life will fall into place. I also think that we (our people, assuming I am one, lol) are different than a lot of other people. I know we've partially had this discussion before, but I think it's going to take something deeper to make us happy. We'll figure it out eventually, but right now, I think we need to just get on the raft and float down the river until we find who we really are and what will make us happy. I think that we are too strong to let ourselves be ONLY defined by who we will marry or the children we will have like so many other people. That's not who I am, and I feel very confident saying that that's not who any of us are. We need to establish ourselves before we let any of those other things make an imprint on who we are, and that just takes a while...I think.
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