After changing my schedule the first day, which put my teacher through an ordeal, and being late for the second day of class (same teacher by the way...great impression there) I'm feeling like I haven't gotten off to the best start in grad school. I feel disorganzied, despite my best efforts to make things simple and easy, and I feel scattered. I feel out of place. I feel overwhelmed, but underwhelmed at the same time.
As I was running from room to room, sticking my face in the window trying to find my teacher and gathering an increasingly large pack of English teachers who trailed me to help me find my way, I had the urge to drop everything and go home. I know I said so outloud several times, and if I hadn't had a friend with me I probably would have done so. I thought, "maybe this is a sign that this isn't for me. Maybe I shouldn't be here." I wanted so badly to go home to Tuscaloosa and re-enroll in undergraduate classes at UA.
I know--rather, I hope-- it's just first week jitters and confusion making me feel this way. After a few weeks I'll get in the groove. I keep telling myself this, but right now, myself isn't listening and doesn't care. Myself wants to pack it up and head home and crawl in bed. Forget grad school and the whole thing. Just leave me alone and let me sleep.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Folex and Prado
Yesterday was my first day in graduate school. While I was getting ready to go with a friend who is in the same program as I am, we were chatting about how we didn't feel very excited. Shouldn't we feel accomplished and smart and ready to tackle the next big thing? Well, that was just it. This didn't feel like the next BIG thing.
"I feel like I used to have a Coach bag, and now I'm carrying a knockoff" she said, referring to the fact that we used to go to The University of Alabama and now we go to the University of Alabama at Birmingham.
Is this school we're attending now somehow not as good? Should we feel like we're taking a step down? Maybe it's not true, but it certainly feels like it.
I feel like I'm walking around with a Folex watch and a Prado wallet. At first glance, it looks like the real thing. But then you look at the fine print. It's not the real thing. It's a convincing knockoff, but a knockoff, nonetheless.
I don't feel proud. I don't feel like I want to run around announcing where I to school. I relate it to when I bought fake Chanel sunglasses in China Town. Sure, I was happy to have those famous C's on my sunglasses for only $10, but I didn't feel the need to tell everyone, "Oh, these aren't real. They're knockoffs." Of course I wanted to walk around with them on my face and let people think I had real Chanels.
So, now that I'm not longer at The University, I've lost my real Coach bag and I'm settling for the knockoff.
Feeling this way makes me wonder what else in life is a knockoff. What am I carrying that looks like the real thing but isn't? Am I settling for the next best thing in other places in my life too?
"I feel like I used to have a Coach bag, and now I'm carrying a knockoff" she said, referring to the fact that we used to go to The University of Alabama and now we go to the University of Alabama at Birmingham.
Is this school we're attending now somehow not as good? Should we feel like we're taking a step down? Maybe it's not true, but it certainly feels like it.
I feel like I'm walking around with a Folex watch and a Prado wallet. At first glance, it looks like the real thing. But then you look at the fine print. It's not the real thing. It's a convincing knockoff, but a knockoff, nonetheless.
I don't feel proud. I don't feel like I want to run around announcing where I to school. I relate it to when I bought fake Chanel sunglasses in China Town. Sure, I was happy to have those famous C's on my sunglasses for only $10, but I didn't feel the need to tell everyone, "Oh, these aren't real. They're knockoffs." Of course I wanted to walk around with them on my face and let people think I had real Chanels.
So, now that I'm not longer at The University, I've lost my real Coach bag and I'm settling for the knockoff.
Feeling this way makes me wonder what else in life is a knockoff. What am I carrying that looks like the real thing but isn't? Am I settling for the next best thing in other places in my life too?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Never satisfied
Tonight, I'm wondering if I'm alone in this feeling or if this is a common thing for people of my same age and situation.
I feel constantly discontent.
I want to go home to see my family, but when I get there I wish to be back at my own apartment.
I want to see my boyfriend, but when I get there I get bored and wish I was somewhere else.
I want to come home from school or anywhere else, but when I get home I am restless and ready to do something.
I am out and about in town and I suddenly wish I was at home with my computer, writing and being creative, but when I rush home and sit down with my computer I am bored and no longer feel creative.
Why am I never content where I am? Why am I never content with who I'm with? Even if I'm having fun there is a nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me I somehow wish I was somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else.
Is this a sign I'm not happy with my life in general? Is this a sign of depression? Is this my restless spirit telling me its time to move on to bigger and better things?
I don't know what the answer is. I don't know why I always feel like this.
I'm wondering if others are plagued with discontent, or am I alone?
I feel constantly discontent.
I want to go home to see my family, but when I get there I wish to be back at my own apartment.
I want to see my boyfriend, but when I get there I get bored and wish I was somewhere else.
I want to come home from school or anywhere else, but when I get home I am restless and ready to do something.
I am out and about in town and I suddenly wish I was at home with my computer, writing and being creative, but when I rush home and sit down with my computer I am bored and no longer feel creative.
Why am I never content where I am? Why am I never content with who I'm with? Even if I'm having fun there is a nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me I somehow wish I was somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else.
Is this a sign I'm not happy with my life in general? Is this a sign of depression? Is this my restless spirit telling me its time to move on to bigger and better things?
I don't know what the answer is. I don't know why I always feel like this.
I'm wondering if others are plagued with discontent, or am I alone?
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Post-grad blues
I knew somewhere deep down I was sad about no longer being a student at UA, and I knew somewhere I was sad that things were changing. But the excitement of the next part of my life overshadowed that saddness. I was dreaming of having a master's degree and moving to a new city and feeling smart and successful. I was excited that my friends were moving on to new and impressive things. I was proud of them and their accomplishments and considered myself lucky to have such intelligent friends.
But all of a sudden, I don't like any of this at all. I don't want to go to to another school. I want to go back to undergrad at UA. I want my friends to go back to undergrad at UA. I want those days back, the days of meeting up in study hall, talking and complaining about class and trying not to laugh too loud at each other. The days of spending all day in Bryant-Denny Stadium screaming and jumping, cheering for the Tide, and meeting up afterward for pre-gaming and going out to the bars. Girls' Nights at Buffalo Wild Wings, meeting on campus for lunch in the Ferg. Just normal every day things will change, and I'm not ready for that change. Those years went by too fast. Looking back now I feel like I took them for granted. This time in our lives, the time when we'd all scatter to different cities, different school to start new things, was a million years away. It was only a distant dream. And thinking of it that way prevented me from preparing for it. I thought we'd be in college forever.
So now I've found myself at a very strange place in my life. I'm having trouble accepting this change and feeling ready to move on. I just spent a few days getting one of my very best friends set up in a new town. As I was driving home I realized I got to go back to the town she was missing, the town all those memories were made in, but the town wouldn't be the same anymore. She was one of the reasons it was home.
I also realized I'll be walking around a campus every day that isn't MY campus. It isn't covered with crimson and white and people getting excited about the game this weekend. And most importantly, my friends aren't there.
I know I have to accept these changes as part of life, and I need to learn to be excited about the next thing instead of just looking back and longing for old times. But I'm finding it to be much more difficult than I ever imagined.
But all of a sudden, I don't like any of this at all. I don't want to go to to another school. I want to go back to undergrad at UA. I want my friends to go back to undergrad at UA. I want those days back, the days of meeting up in study hall, talking and complaining about class and trying not to laugh too loud at each other. The days of spending all day in Bryant-Denny Stadium screaming and jumping, cheering for the Tide, and meeting up afterward for pre-gaming and going out to the bars. Girls' Nights at Buffalo Wild Wings, meeting on campus for lunch in the Ferg. Just normal every day things will change, and I'm not ready for that change. Those years went by too fast. Looking back now I feel like I took them for granted. This time in our lives, the time when we'd all scatter to different cities, different school to start new things, was a million years away. It was only a distant dream. And thinking of it that way prevented me from preparing for it. I thought we'd be in college forever.
So now I've found myself at a very strange place in my life. I'm having trouble accepting this change and feeling ready to move on. I just spent a few days getting one of my very best friends set up in a new town. As I was driving home I realized I got to go back to the town she was missing, the town all those memories were made in, but the town wouldn't be the same anymore. She was one of the reasons it was home.
I also realized I'll be walking around a campus every day that isn't MY campus. It isn't covered with crimson and white and people getting excited about the game this weekend. And most importantly, my friends aren't there.
I know I have to accept these changes as part of life, and I need to learn to be excited about the next thing instead of just looking back and longing for old times. But I'm finding it to be much more difficult than I ever imagined.
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